Losing myself

In creating a solid family and what I thought was a solid foundation, I definitely lost myself as a person.
Constantly trying to be a good mum, a good wife, creating the picture of a solid home where my kids would feel safe and secure just made me forget about myself.
Now as they are growing older, I am left asking myself questions like who am I? What do I enjoy doing? What do I love? What makes me laugh? I actually do not know.
Every time I do something that makes me happy, I feel guilty. Every time I buy something for myself, it feels wrong- like somehow that money should have been used on my kids or to buy food for the family or….something, just not me.
It doesn’t help that no one buys me anything either 😂😂😂, just reinforces the belief that maybe I do not deserve it.
I used to think that marriage was at the very least companionship, until I realised that it is exhausting to be the only one who views it that way. So now I just view it as a contract of two people who committed to stay together, and anything else is a bonus.
Being selfish is the only path to self preservation. If only it came as easily to me as it seems to come to others…..